There's a constant struggle in me.
Feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt flood my being whenever I step out in big decisions.
In June of 2016, in my prayer time...
(Note: I say prayer time but it was probably me just sitting on my living room floor with Netflix paused griping to God. Just so we're all on the same page here.)
...I said "God, I don't know why but I feel like there's more. I need to be doing more out here in Las Vegas. God give me more opportunities with people, to show them who You are."
And then there was the whisper, "You know where they are. Go to them."
Insert wide-eyed emoji. That's when I heard the instructions to start going down to the Las Vegas strip late on Friday nights, and just be available for God.
Now I'm not saying this to show off how "holy" or "obedient" I may seem to be. Because that's not the case. I'm telling you this story because when I felt that call I wrestled all week with it. Friday came and I was extremely exhausted, and terrified.
I did not want to go.
"You're going crazy Liz" "What good could little old you do out there." "You're nothing" Your spiritual life blows." "There's no power in anything you do." "You realize the strip has existed for decades and there's nothing you can do about that environment"
...just some of the thoughts I had.
But I went. Because not going meant being blatantly disobedient to God. And I can live with uncomfortable, it's harder to live with disobedience.
I wish I could tell you that night when I went that miraculous things happened, but that wasn't the case. People were not healed. I did not invite one person to church. I walked around and prayed, quietly. I listened to what I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me and I did it.
Sit here. Walk over there. Pray over here. Then when I felt released I left.
Drove home feeling like a crazy person but knew I was coming back the next week.
And I have almost every week since then. Except now with an amazing group of people.
I won't go into all the details about what happens out there but it's one of the most real things I have ever experienced, especially in the arena of what serving people and spiritual warfare actually is.
There truly is an enemy of my soul, and yours.
And if you're not a Christian and reading this, I apologize for the vibe you might be getting at this point and if you do have any questions please email or message me.
It's hard to pray out there on the strip. It's hard to go out there and think that among the sea of hundreds of thousands of people, your whisper prayers are making a difference. It's hard to counteract the voices that tell you you're nothing and worthless, and bring up every flaw and insecurity you have, every wrong thing you do on a daily basis, all while you're walking around trying to pray with the authority of Jesus.
It's so hard to feel like anything you're doing matters.
Two weeks ago was probably the hardest night. We came across, what seemed to be a homeless man, and we walked over to serve him. Little did we know what we would encounter.
I've never experienced a moment before where every single insecurity I have was directly spoken to and affirmed by a complete stranger. Our eyes were locked almost the entire conversation. I remember while he was speaking, feeling like my heart was being guarded by the Lord. And seeing it for what it actually was.
It was the enemy.
And he wanted me to drown. He wanted me to loose my hope. He wanted the vision that God gave me to die. Suffocate. Break under the weight of my weaknesses and faults.
After 45 minutes we left the man. We walked further down the strip and I broke. I cried. We prayed for the man.
It was then that I realized that the enemy of my soul has more faith in me than I do.
He knows who I profess as my Savior.
Matthew 1:23-24 And immediately there was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit. And he cried out, “What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God.”
Why would he want to break me if he wasn't worried about what we were doing out there. You don't defend yourself against something you don't consider a threat.
Could it be true then? The enemy was worried about the things I considered to be pointless? About me? Me, someone I consider to be worthless and weak? Who am I? I'm nothing right?
Apparently I am something. I am someone. And now I'm learning about who I am in Jesus. Who He says I am. And who He is in me.
Because that's where the power lies; in knowing who He is in me.