"There's something aching inside me."
I told my husband this the other night. I couldn't quite figure it out. This season of life I'm in is like none other. So different. In every way imaginable.
Lately I feel like I live in the center of this crazy juxtaposition. Smack dab in the middle of peace and heartache.
What am I missing here? What am I not getting?
As I traveled down this hole of thought I found myself at the bottom. I had hoped it would be full of complex meaning and beautiful in appearance. But it wasn't.
It was plain. It was empty. It was familiar.
I've been here before.
I had forgotten.
I always forget.
I forgot that He loves me. I forgot that He chose me. In the turmoil I forgot that He's still my Father. The love of God is harder to accept and remember, than to understand.
There are those who say "Well if God is a God of love then why would He (fill in the blank)."
See, there's a general understanding (even amongst non-Christians) that we, as Christians, believe in a God of love, yet why is it that I daily do not accept His love. I spend so much time and put so much effort towards making sure I am doing the right thing, saying the right thing, thinking the right way that I rarely stop just to hear Him whisper...
I love you. I've always loved you.
The morning after I told my husband there was something aching inside of me, I heard that whisper.
It broke me. The love of God will do that. It will break you. Because it doesn't make sense. Why would a God who has everything and is everything extend His love to me?
I am nothing. I am nobody.
What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? - Luke 15:4
But to Him I am so much more. I am the one He went after.
Even after years of walking with Him, I'm still the one.