I can't believe I haven't written since May. It didn't feel that long. That's how fast time is going by.
To be honest I've been avoiding it. It's this lingering thought in the back of my head, which has also been confirmed by people in my life that it's time to get back to.
But it's become this end of a magnet that keeps repelling me whenever I come within 5 feet of doing it.
Not today though.
I started this blog and this website in January because I felt that it was what the Lord was telling me to do. "Open your business, start your website, start a blog by the end of January."
Those were the instructions. And I followed through.
It was scary. It was hard. I didn't know I was doing. (I still don't know what I'm doing) Most of the time I feel like I'm just along for the ride. Kind of like when I was little and my sister and I would tie a jump rope to the laundry basket and take turns pulling each other around the family room.
That's what I feel like.
Just sitting in a laundry basket. God's hand on the neon speckled jump rope, just pulling me along through coffee table obstacles, around couch corners and down steep stairs.
Scary but fun but scary.
I've decided I'm going to be completely vulnerable here. No need to pretend like I'm better than that.
Many times I want to run away. Run away from the pressure of the things God has asked me to do. Run away from the pressure of situations that don't make sense just yet. Run away from the prospect of failure. Run away from people in my life because I feel like I'm a burden to them.
I say run.
God says endurance.
I don't want to have endurance. I just want to give up. I just want to lay on the grass, forget the rest of the mile. I feel like I'm dying inside. Why would I put myself through such torture?
And then there's scripture. Always telling you different that what you want to hear. Like seriously just ENABLE ME FOR ONCE! (I'm not serious but maybe a little.)
35 Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. 37 For,“Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; 38 but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him.” 39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls.
Verse 35 tells me "do not throw away your confidence", basically saying you have complete control here whether you hold on to your confidence or if YOU decide YOU want to throw it away.
Verse 36 says "you have NEED of endurance" "SO THAT WHEN you have done the will of God..." Endurance is linked doing the will of God. AKA doing the will of God is hard. Oh ok cool. Thanks.
Then there's verse 38. A verse I have somehow glazed over every time I've looked at this chapter.
"...but my righteous one shall live by faith, and IF HE SHRINKS BACK, my soul has no pleasure in him.”
It was the "if he shrinks back" part that hurt. The "he" they are referring to in that portion is "my righteous one" in the portion just before. And then it says "my soul has no pleasure in him". Sheesh. That's a bit harsh.
Some translations say "if any man draws back". The original word used here is the greek word hypostellō, which has definitions like
of those who from timidity hesitate to avow what they believe
to be unwilling to utter from fear
If I expect to gain endurance without having without having to encounter resistance than I am a fool.
And the consequences for succumbing to such resistance are made clear. "My soul has no pleasure in him." Harsh but hey it's right there.
Then it begs the question:
What's worse, the pain and process of endurance, or the consequence of shrinking back?
The truth is the consequence of shrinking back, however some days it FEELS like the pain and process of endurance. Which is when I have to remind myself not to live by pure emotion. But to stand on truth.
So while I'm in the midst of this race I have decided to endure. When the fire is turned up and the heat is on, I'll remember who stands there with me.
My eyes are fixed.